I can’t sleep again
Every night i lie in bed and my mind seems to drift and i find myself hating you even more.
I live for me
~ Thursday, May 10 ~
~ Tuesday, May 8 ~
The hate i have for you fuels my strength. But im afraid what will happen to me once that hate shrivels away. I’m afraid of what i’d feel and what will motivate me to which direction.
There comes a time, where you stop crying for yourself and stop believing in the fairytale. There comes a point where it strips you of everything and you become allergic to it, where your heart, mind and body physically, mentally and emotionally reacts and withdraws back and you realize, this is REAL, this is YOUR life and you need to pick yourself up and move forward.
Hurt too far
I have never felt pain like this in my life. Pain so severe that it is pushing me away from you completely. You dont understand, I Hate You. I hate the person that I love. I cannot even look at you, think about you, be in the same room as you or even have your stuff near me. You disgust me, the thought of you makes my physical body cringe.
This time is different, i know this because i am not mad, i am not sad, i am not anything where i can physically do anything that could help the way that i feel. This is something deeper than that, if i were mad, i could just yell and scream at you and id feel better, if i were sad, i could cry my eyes out and than the pain would go away but i cannot do anything to make the pain go away or make me feel better. It is not pain in my heart anymore, this is pain in my soul. I can actually feel my soul hurting. I know that sounds really weird but this is the best way i could explain it. (I wonder if anyone else knows how this feel, i hope not because it is a horrible feeling.)
My dreams of wanting to be with you and spend the rest of my life with you stops as soon as the thought comes because i am instantly thrown into the memory of finding out and knowing. Do you know that i cannot think about you, in any simple way or form? Do you know how many times my mind goes to that memory? Do you know how many times i catch my self drifting back and forcing my mind to keep blank.
I can’t even wear the rings you gave me, looking at them or even the thought of touching them feels like salt on a cut, where my reaction is to let go instantaneously. I dont want you near me, I dont even want you to call or text me, i dont want anything to do with you. Looking at you or having anything to do with you hurts too much and brings so much pain.
I don’t know what to do. I love you and want to be with you but i am so disgusted by you that it irks me to the bones, and my body, heart and soul rejects that thought instantly.
Your a different man. Your not the person I fell in love with. And it is not only me who noticed it, ask your brother, Trisha, Jessy, Miguel, ask them! Anyone but the people who like you better like this rather than you being your old self. You act just like them, Sergio and Mr.West. If this is who you want to be, i’ll understand, i just want you happy but i’ll let you go because your not the same man i married.
I am tired of playing games, i am tired of all the drama, i am tired of being tired, and im tired of trying and fighting and im running out of trying. I dont want to make any big or sudden decisions right now, or while im hurting. So i wont plan things out, i wont strategize, i wont think about what will happen or about the future. I am just living my life one day at a time and what i feel now, is how im feeling. Whether if i feel the same the next day or not.
I dont think this will ever get fixed. You really broke it. You pushed me so far that im lost and dont know my way back, where i hurt so much that i dont even know if i want to go back.
I know i dont deserve this. And when i felt it was my fault, i did everything i could to make it right, i suffered, i suffered so much because i felt guilty but i finished my suffering when you did it to me the first time. But this time, this suffering your putting on me is not right. I changed my self, my ways, my thinking, my actions, my everything for you, to make you happy. And you still do this?!?! Do you not feel guilty? I feel like just walking away. I’m walking away from something that is dead.
I really don’t know what you can do to fix this.. i really dont. You crossed the line and went too far. I never thought i would ever be here, where im thinking of walking away. I am usually the one who gets broken up with. I never wanted to be here but the pain you inflicted, all the lies, deceitfulness, the sharp words and attitudes, i can’t take it anymore. When you pick your hurtful words, calling me worthless and joking around so recklessly, do you see that your pointing those words at your wife? How much can a woman take? Do you know my heart is fragile? Your supposed to protect it not break it. I keep your heart safe, like i promised, I hold yours higher than mines. I never did anything to hurt it. But now, since your not taking care of my heart properly, i need to take it from you, take care of it myself and protect it from you.
I have no more strength, drive or courage to fight for you anymore. I dont want to leave but i can’t try anymore. I’m just drifting, im just here, until this pain is manageable and i can clearly think about what i want. What i want for a change. I just need to be away from you because i have no more to give.
~ Wednesday, February 8 ~
Conversation with God :')
- Me: God can I ask you a question?
- God: Sure
- Me: Promise u won't get mad
- God: I promise
- Me: Why did u let so much stuff happen to me today?
- God: What do u mean?
- Me: Well, I woke up late,
- God: Yes
- Me: My car took forever to start,
- God: Okay
- Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait,
- God: Huummmm...
- Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call.....
- God: All right
- Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did you do that?
- God: Let me see, the Death Angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of the other angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.
- Me (humbled): OH
- GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
- Me: (ashamed).........
- God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
- Me (embarrassed): Ok
- God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
- Me (softly): I see God
- God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
- Me: I'm sorry God
- God: Don't be sorry, just learn to trust me.....in all things, the good & the bad.
- Me: I will trust you
- God: And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan.
- Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, thank you for everything today.
- God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I love looking after my children......
- For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. Isaiah 55_8
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~ Tuesday, January 10 ~
Jesus take the wheel Take it from my hands Cause I can’t do this on my own I’m letting go
~ Tuesday, January 3 ~
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